I was recently able to sit and observe some local authority training for prospective adopters around keeping in touch or ‘contact’ as most people will know it by. I had the opportunity to feedback as well as personally reflect on some of those early feelings that I remember having when we first started out. I then spoke to families who had adopted more recently and it was interesting that many of my early feelings are still the same ones felt my many adopters today.
According to Adoption UK, the Adoption Barometer 2022 revealed that that 82% of adoptive families had signed an agreement for ongoing indirect contact (such as letterbox), and a further 31% were having direct contact with birth family members (in most cases, siblings).
So here are the most common feelings experienced by adopters and how you can manage those feelings to engage fully with indirect letterbox contact.
- Acknowledge your own feelings
I do NOT want to write sometimes! There, I’ve said it. It is perfectly normal to feel that way the first time of writing or after an intense or challenging period of parenting. There have been occasions when the time has rolled around for me to write that letter, we have been in the eye of the storm and if I was really honest about family life in that moment their birth parent would possibly wonder whether her children were properly cared for. (This is more to do with my own perceived parenting fails than anything else.)
After acknowledging that I do not feel like writing and how I feel about that, I try to identify what is causing those feelings. I then seek to gain some perspective about those feelings and then ultimately find somewhere quiet and write the letter. - Try to involve your child or children
I did find it difficult to find meaningful ways to involve my children when they were small but you can always encourage them to draw a picture, make a bookmark, trace their name or create a painted handprint. You might also want to use a piece of string cut to their height as a creative way to show a birth parent how tall your child is now.
My own children are now older and although I am still the person who writes the main letter, I do give them an index card with 4 questions like what music are they listening to, what’s the best thing about school at the moment, what was the last thing that made them laugh and what’s the latest film they have seen. That way their birth parent gets to see their handwriting and gets some personal information about things they enjoy. - Things can change
Arrangements can change around keeping in touch which is a good thing. You do need to make sure that the plans for contact in the beginning are ones that you are happy to fully engage with but it can change over time. We have moved from our original starting point and we are better for those changes. Equally if something changes for your child, you can broach the need for change in arrangements with post adoption services.
Although change can make us feel nervous and perhaps even uncomfortable we may ultimately see and feel the benefit of exchanging photographs, meeting other siblings or even having direct contact with a birth parent. - Stay consistent
It is really important that you try to stay consistent and write at the times agreed as part of your contact plan. It can be hard to keep writing on time if you don’t receive replies which was our experience. We still made sure to keep to the expectations as it helped to be able to tell our children that we were doing our best to let their birth parents know how they were, how they were growing, what they were learning and what some of their new experiences were. - Content, Content, Content
Probably the most significant gift you can offer to birth parents is to make sure that the letters you send are meaningful and have good content. That does not mean that you have to share all of your precious family memories but you should share height, learning milestones and other big achievements as a minimum.
From a very early age we always told our children that we were writing the letter and was there anything they wanted their birth parents to know or not know. We have continued this throughout the years but there was one interesting conversation when our son was around 7 years old when he told us that he didn’t mind us sharing that he had learned to ride a bike but did not want his birth parents to know that he had learned to swim. Although I failed to understand how one was more ‘secret’ than the other it opened up a great conversation. It became apparent that he had learned to ride the bike at home but he had learned to swim on one of our holidays and he connected that with lots of other special memories and did not want to share those. To this day I’m not sure whether we’ve even shared that he can swim.
I understand the fear of the blank sheet of paper and wondering where to even start but I reached a real turning point early on when I was able to get a different perspective. I’ll talk you through my lightbulb moment.
Just stop for one minute right now! Have you paused? Now imagine that someone takes your precious child or children away from you and says that you can now only receive two letters each year about them. What would you want the person that has them to update you on? I can guarantee you would want to know how tall they are, what they have been up to, what have they achieved, have they lost their first tooth, how did they cope with a change of teacher or school… the list of things I would want to know is endless.
It’s suddenly so much easier to think about what to write now isn’t it?! - There can be benefits
We have not always received letters back and this can be challenging but it is still worth asking a couple of questions in each of your letters. We did not get our first letter for a few years but when it did come it was obvious that our birth parent had taken the time to read all the previous letters and answered a majority of the questions we had asked.
The obvious benefits that we have gained through persevering even though we don’t always receive replies are that we have been able to establish the time that our son was born and lots of other positive birth parent traits which our children have inherited with their interests and passions. This has all massively helped them with their sense of identity. - Don’t compare
For many people they keep in touch with other prospective adopters during the training and assessment process and it can be very easy to compare your experience, arrangement and frequency with others.
You need to accept and understand that every child, situation and birth family are unique and so are the agreed contact arrangements. There is not a one size fits all when it comes to keeping in touch with birth families. You will have the best plan for your child at this time but remember that you can make changes as I’ve explained in point 3. - Never give up
It can be hard when you don’t get a response but don’t give up or stop sending letters. One of our birth parents has always responded when they have been supported, so we choose to wait until those times and even those few letters have made a HUGE difference to our children when we have shared the responses with them.
Just one letter with information that was not previously available to you can make such a difference to your children as all your paperwork is unlikely to tell you what football team they support, what subjects they enjoyed at school or whether they like vegetables or not. - It can be sad or upsetting
Our children at different times have shown sadness or upset when we have shared the letters but that doesn’t mean we should stop sharing them. It is a perfectly normal expression for the loss of their birth parent.
We are sensitive to whether they can manage to read the whole letter in one sitting or whether they get overwhelmed after one paragraph and we always make sure that we file the original and allow them to have a copy in case it gets damaged or scribbled on.
When they were a lot younger we would need to read the letter with them and to them. Now they are older they prefer to read their copy of the letter alone and then come back and talk to us about it afterwards where we check they are ok, that they understood everything and there is nothing else they need from us. Our daughter has a special hiding spot in her bedroom where she then chooses to file her letters so they are not seen when friends come over but can be accessed anytime she wants to reread them. And she does reread them!
The main thing as parents is to acknowledge the emotions that your child might display or be curious about whether they are feeling something if it is not immediately obvious. It then allows us to take the opportunity to talk about their birth parents, do some life story work if needed, offer reassurance and occasionally get an extra cuddle or two. - Find your empathy
It is important to remember that a majority of birth parents are vulnerable either as a result of learning difficulties, their own trauma, mental health issues or addiction so be sensitive to that and remain chatty in your letters.
It is not our job to pour condemnation or judgment on them for their vulnerabilities and they have already suffered the greatest loss through their children being placed for adoption.
We don’t talk about the places we have travelled to, the tech that our children are fortunate enough to own or anything that would sound like we are bragging about how much better off they are with us. As our children have got older they are now able to recognise this for themselves and say that they do not want their birth parents to feel bad that they would not have been able to match their experiences in our family.
So do you relate to any of these feelings? There are probably many other valid feelings that adopters have around keeping in touch and if you have any others you would like me to explore, you are welcome to add your comments and I’ll follow them up.
The Adopted Life 